


Jason in Wonderland

by Featherly



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: Boredom, Fluff, Inspired by Alice in Wonderland, Stuff, Tim Drake is Red Robin
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-28
Updated: 2018-02-28
Packaged: 2019-03-25 03:30:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,003
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13825545
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Featherly/pseuds/Featherly
Summary: Jason could recall seeing most of the movie as a child, so when he falls into the Wonderland dream which is oh so common in most folk, he doesnt know what to expect.





	Jason in Wonderland

Jason was beginning to get very tired of sitting by his brother in the backyard of Wayne Manor, and of having nothing to do. Once or twice he had peeped into the textbook Tim was reading, but it had only figure pictures, and boring scientific findings, `and what is the use of a book,' thought Jason, `with other people’s theories and pictures of more numbers and letters?'

So he was considering in his own mind (as well as he could, for the hot day made him feel very sleepy and stupid), whether the pleasure of making customised weaponry would be worth the trouble of getting up at all, when suddenly Alfred ran past him wearing a pair of rabbit ears.  
He stared wide eyed and hit Tim in the shoulder, demanding his attention. “You saw that right?” asked Jason.  
Tim gave his brother a concerned look, mostly because he had been quite immersed in his homework.

It flashed across Jason’s mind that he had never seen Alfred run before, so he ran after the old butler and dived into the hedge after him, and you can imagine Jason’s surprise when he fell straight into a hole the exact size of his body. He fell, down, down, screaming for the first section of the journey. When he realised this was not a very Jason thing to do, he crossed his arms and scoffed. Falling? He jumped off rooves all the time.  
The hole was very very deep, Jason was sure of this. He felt like he was falling slowly, but gravity which was a topic that would have popped up in Tim’s boring book, was sadly a topic Jason had covered himself in school so naturally he considered himself an expert on the subject and dismissed it quickly.

Jason looked down, searching for an end to this deep hole, and surely enough it came into his sights fast and hard. “Fuck!” he screamed at the top of his lungs with a femanine infliction which he would have punched anyone for hearing. But once he crashed into the ground and stood up to look around, he could see that he was all alone in a deep cave with a wooden door which came up to his knees. 

Jason got to his knees and looked through the door’s peephole where he spotted a lovely garden on the other side. Next to the door was a table containing three items; a key, a vial that said “drink me” on a label tied to its top, and a cupcake that said “eat me” in green icing. Jason looked from the key to the door and back again before deciding his best course of action. He kicked the small door again and again, being sure to give the lock particular attention. With his steelcapped boots, he managed to kick a hole right through the stupid tiny door and stepped through with a swift duck, almost gliding through it. He walked through the garden with an annoyed air, searching for Alfred in the distance. When he caught sight of the old man he took to a run, wanting very much to find out just what Alfred was doing, but the sight of many birds congregated around only one tree brought his attention to itself immediately. Jason skidded to a halt to change his direction, running instead towards the many birds flitting and fluttering in that one spot. 

Jason’s first thought was the bird afficionado, Oswald Cobblepot, and his second was of Magpie, the strange woman with an obsession for shiny things. He got quite close to the birds, closer than any bird would allow under most circumstances, and when he halted he found that none of the birds were afraid, they merely stood before him with afronted confusion lining their features. 

“Who do you work under?” demanded Jason. A dodo shuffled its feet and spoke, yes, spoke to Jason.  
“Well, you were meant to have the vial that said drink me which would make you very big, then you were supposed to cry and flood the place, then you were supposed to eat the cake and become so small that you could fit throu-”  
“Whoa whoa whoa, is this scripted? Is this whole thing a dumb prank?” interrupted Jason. “Why would I drink an unmarked substance that I found at the bottom of a hole?”  
The dodo continued to shuffle his feet, staring down at them with what Jason hoped was shame. “It’s just what usually happens.” the dodo shook his wings in front of himself, showing what would have been his palms to Jason. “You know what, never mind. Skip this bit. Caucus race and such, whatever, now go that way” he finished, pointing a wing in the direction Alfred had gone. Jason left without another word from that strange talking dodo.

The garden around Jason was interesting enough. It was like the picture in Tim’s book which regarded water purification ever so briefly, so briefly that Jason didn’t understand why it got its own figure picture. He saw a small mound of smoke and ran to it, worried that it could be a result of some dumb preteens lighting fires in such a nice garden, but when he got closer he could see that it was actually coming from a small mushroom. Jason bent down, examining the tiny smoke producer, which just so happened to be a blue caterpillar. The caterpiller held a tiny metal pipe, a pipe so tiny it seemed to Jason that it shouldn’t be able to exist, since the market for tiny hookah pipes was surely a dying industry. The caterpillar opened its mouth and spoke, blowing out a puff of smoke with its final word, which took the shape of a letter U. Jason stood up and continued to follow the path, since the caterpillar had a mouth so tiny that Jason couldn’t possibly hear whatever it was saying. 

He followed the path where he last saw Alfred and came to a fork in the road. Jason looked down each one, identical in every way to someone who had never been there before. Jason kicked the ground and swore. “This is bullshit” he decided, “Where the hell do I go next? I never read the book!”  
“That depends on where you want to go” said a mysterious seductive voice behind Jason.  
He turned to see Catwoman sitting in the large tree behind him, though he couldn’t remember the tree being there at all. She lay on her back on the largest branch with an arm and leg hanging off the side.  
“I don’t really care, as long as I find Alfred.”  
“Well” said Catwoman with her lip in her teeth, “In that direction you’ll find Batman.” she pointed a long slender finger to the path behind Jason. “And in that one you’ll find Robi-”  
“Thanks” said Jason, giving Catwoman a brief wave as he walked down the indicated path.  
“Hey, Wait a minute!” called out Catwoman, staring after Jason. “I didn’t even get to do the ‘We’re all mad here’ bit!” Jason ignored her and wandered on. He really wanted to find Bruce and if he found Bruce then perhaps he would find Alfred too.

Jason surely wouldn’t have believed it if anyone had told him. Batman sat hunched over a table that was way too small, with Robin across from him sipping on what he hoped was tea. Batman wore an oversized purple tophat and Robin wore a pair of pink rabbit ears. “Bruce?” Jason asked, a little apprehensive by the strange site, for who could trust Batman when he was wearing such queer attire.  
“Jason. So nice of you to join us” said Batman in his gruff, deep voice.  
“Speak for yourself” said Robin, staring at his cup as if were he to stare at it for long enough, the new edition to the scene would disappear.  
Jason recalled the disney movie he had seen once when he was younger, ignoring the surrounding feature of his mother going to her own Wonderland behind him. This scene was one Jason sang for a whole week after, but he didn’t want to sing to these two so instead he said “So, a very happy unbirthday?”  
“We are allowed to have a tea party, Jason” said Robin with an arrogant flourish of his hand “and we don’t need any unbirthdays, happy or not. What a ridiculous concept.”  
“Whats with the hat and ears then?” asked Jason, genuinely confused now since how could one aspect be ridiculous while the other was supposedly quite normal?  
“Do you want to find Alfred or not?” asked Batman who already seemed bored by his bit.  
“Well, yeah- unless you can show me how to get out of this place” added Jason hopefully.  
“Just follow the path and leave us alone” said Robin, throwing his thumb towards a new path behind him. Seeing Batman in a purple top hat made Jason a little uncomfortable, so he abided and followed the indicated path with the hopes this damn thing would finish soon. This was about the part he had seen up to when he was younger since his mother stumbled over the cord and ripped it out of the powerpoint, dragging the socket with it. He was now unprepared for whatever was going to happen next.

Jason followed the path until he came to a hedge which he promptly crawled through since it was where the path had lead him. He crawled through to the other side and was surprised to find a bunch of giant playing cards wearing blue g-strings. “Curiouser and curiouser” said Jason, a little uncomfortable by the sight. The cards were painting the blue roses red, so Jason asked the 7 of diamonds “Why are you painting those roses?”  
“Because” said number 7 indignantly “The queen wanted red roses but we only have blue. I don’t understand it really, since the roses have been blue for years and years.”

Jason thought this was odd, but picked up a brush and assisted the playing cards. He wzs startled by a trumpet blaring behind himself, and when he turned he saw cards baring spades in various numbers marching towards him in rows of two. They stopped before him and the cards around Jason fell to their faces, bowing their heads. Jason looked from these cards to who must have been the guards and thought “who do I know who could play the part of the Queen of hearts”, a character Jason had glanced in the trailers for the Tim Burton movies. His first thought was of Harley Quinn, so to have Nightwing revealed to him was surprising to say the least. To see what he was wearing, however, said way too much.

Nightwing was wearing the top half of his suit, the latex hugging his muscles tightly. Over this he wore a version of the Queen of Hearts dress he had seen once at a teenage halloween party, the crown proving the largest feature with the most coverage. To say he was wearing a skirt was generous, since it sat very highly on his upper thigh, and if it were windy he would have surely shown too much. He wore his mask with his signature grin, and if Jason were still a hormone riddled 15 year old he may have had the audacity to say that Nightwing looked hot, a thought Jason had had on more than one occasion at that age.

“Uh, Dick?” asked Jason who was desperate to maintain eye contact.  
“What is it?” asked Nightwing flirtatiously, twirling a scepter the size of his escrima sticks in one hand.  
“Why are you wearing- you know what, never mind. Do you know where Alfred is?”  
“Alfred? Why he’s over there talking to the King.” Nightwing pointed the scepter with an unmatched grace through the crowd behind him, revealing Alfred talking to a very tired looking Tim, who wore a golden crown much smaller than Dick’s own.  
“King. So that would make him your-” Jason broke off, not wanting to finish the sentence.  
“My husband, yes.”  
“Gotchya” said Jason, pointing at Dick with finger guns in a cool beans gesture. He went to the pair and finally asked Alfred “Why did you run down here Alfred?”  
“Well the King forgot his lunch this morning, so of course I had to bring it to him.” Alfred gestured to Red robin with one hand and Tim blushed.  
“I forgot my lunch” said Tim, as if reaffirming what Jason already knew. “You should probably get out of here before-”  
“I want to play croquet” said Nightwing, appearing so suddenly that Jason jumped. Dick threw his arm around Jason’s shoulder and pulled Red Robin into the same embrace. Nightwing lead the pair through the garden, stopping in a spacious yard with the pegs already set up. He passed Jason a metal dinosaur and took one for himself. Tim went to a box and took out a coin which he placed standing up on the ground next to Dick. The coin did not seem as if it would possibly be able to stay as it was, but it did, and it stayed standing after Dick hit it with the dinosaurs head towards the pegs which now Jason realled looked at them, were actually batarangs curved into the ground. The coin travelled through each batarang easily, and when it stopped Tim used a grapple gun to hit it and bring it back to them.

He dropped the coin in front of Jason who looked from it to the dinosaur he was holding. “This- this is dumb” Jason said and he dropped the dinosaur to his side, he watched it fall in slow motion which still must have been impossible.  
Nightwing threw his sceptre to the ground and it penetrated the Earth and stood upright. “This is Not stupid Jason!” and he burst into tears. Tim put his arm around Nightwing and comforted him by saying “its okay” with calming pats and rubbed circles. Jason cringed from the odd sight and was startled yet again when a deep husky voice from behind him said “Whats going on here?”  
Jason turned and found Batman and Robin, both of which were still wearing their ridiculous head attire. Jason stammered as he spoke, “I- um, well-” and then Alfred appeared next to the new additions. “I made some jam tarts, if anybody would like one.” Jason now realised just how hungry he was and went to take a jam tart for himself.

Robin slapped the outstretched hand and took one for himself, eyeing Jason angrily. Alfred placed the rest of them on a nearby table before returning to the Queen and King with Batman and Robin following. Nobody seemed to react to Nightwing’s incredibly strange attire and when he twirled to show it off there were impressed expressions on everyones faces.

Jason sighed and crossed his arms, leaning on a nearby tree. Above him, someone said “I do enjoy a good jam tart.” Jason looked up and saw catwoman, who was eating every tart on the plate. Jason stood back from the tree and looked up at the evil cat and moved so he was standing next to Robin. He did not want to be blamed for something he hadnt done. 

“Catwoman’s over there by the way” said Jason, throwing his thumb in her general direction. Everyone looked to where Jason had indicated but each of them saw nobody else there for she had disappeared. On the ground was an empty plate which had once contained jam tarts.  
“What th- I only got one! Who stole the tarts?” demanded Nightwing.  
“We shall have a trial” said the King Red Robin. 

Jason made a sour face and said “that sounds very unnecessary. I know it was catwoman, and im sure she will show up again soon- oh, there she is” he said and sure enough, there was catwoman behind the tree she had previously sat in. She hadn’t disappeared, but merely hid behind the tree.  
“She stole the tarts!” said Red Robin, his small crown moving drastically on his head in his haste to point in her direction.  
“After her!” said Nightwing, who so wanted to have another of Alfred’s tarts. The whole group ran after catwoman, leaving Jason behind. He watched Nightwing and Batman run the fastest, Red Robin and Robin trailing behind with Alfred coming up the rear of the group. Jason stood where he was and kicked the dirt, sending up small clouds of dust. He jolted at a sound behind him, what sounded like a group of bulls running down the street towards him. He turned just in time to see the playing cards heading straight for him before they mowed him down with a half twist in the air so Jason landed face first. He felt the cards trample him into the dirt, and woke up in the manor’s backyard, Tim staring at Jason with a mild concern. 

“You with me now?” he asked, “because Alfred just made tarts and wants to know if you want some, but you seemed so peaceful sleeping, until that last bit of course, so I didn’t want to wake you.”  
“I'll pass on the tarts I think. Did I talk at all? When I was sleeping I mean” asked Jason with an embarrassed air.  
“Well yes actually. You let out a high pitch scream for only a second, Other than that it was just moaning, but more like angry moaning, like someone kept saying stupid things and you were all like ‘argh’. You know what I mean?” asked Tim.  
“Sure do. Hey, did you ever watch that Alice in Wonderland movie?” asked Jason, trying to pass it off as random curiosity.  
“Yeah, even read the book. Why do you ask?”  
Jason stood up and dusted himself off. “No reason” he said, and he went inside to find out if there were any food choices aside from Alfred’s jam tarts.


End file.
